Welcome to Gym Class  

Hey, there are literally hundreds of reasons to want to join a gym and change your life. The least of which is health and fitness. But that's a valid reason too. And let us assure you... You don't have to aspire to be Lou Ferrigno or Arnold Schwarzenegger... you can still be Joe Blow. The only difference is, after a few short months, you'll be Joe Blow with moderately blown up biceps and a little attitude.

Don't worry, no one's going to force you into a life of illicit drug use and back alley needle sharing-that is unless you were already an addict to begin with or decide you need a whole new crop of friends. But that's beside the point. The point is, you need to know how to get started in the world of working out and joining gyms. Because let's face it, working out is the easy part... knowing what to look for in a gym might not be as obvious.

Okay, so you're not a 98-pound weakling who gets sand kicked in his face at the beach or when you change the litter box for your girlfriend's cat, but you are beginning to develop breasts-at 27! Not good, chief, not good. Women: Breasts... Men: Not breasts. It's simple, really.

When's the last time you drove down the busiest street in your city or town, and didn't think of fast food? Okay, let's rephrase that... Does joining the Sub Club at Subway seem more appealing than joining your local health club? Hey, the fat-to-slim Jared character who hawks sandwiches at said "sub club" is impressive, I will admit, but he can only motivate you to choose turkey and lettuce over roast beef and cheese-he ain't gonna whip your abs into shape or get you a "three-header" with the Doublemint Twins! Only you can do that.

Wishful Thinking - Wishful Rewards

It would be nice if someone would reward us for the things that truly matter in this world... Rather than getting a free six-inch sub after 10 purchases, wouldn't you really like a punch card that you could redeem for hot sex with the woman of your dreams, after just ten workouts? Or instead of free seed packets from the bank for opening a checking account, wouldn't it be nicer to get a complimentary "money tree sapling" for not bouncing checks for a month?

Ahh, wishful thinking... It's the unfortunate side effect of too many reruns of "Tom and Jerry", memorizing Playmate profiles, and furious masturbation. If only life could be that simple. Well, it isn't, so get your head out of your ass and snap back to reality! No one is going to hand you a good body, a hot girlfriend, money in the bank or a Ferrari in the garage. You have to earn it the old-fashioned way, and cure yourself of the magical thinking that always keeps you one day away from signing that gym membership contract!

Shiny Happy People vs. Hairy Ugly Behemoths

Ever read the Archies comic book series? Well, in the real world, you're either a "Betty" or a "Veronica." If you're a Betty, you're high maintenance and need all the trimmings of fine living and pampering. You need a lot of staff surrounding you to make you feel special and you require being addressed by Mr. Counter-stud when you sign in at the front desk.

On the other hand, if you're a Veronica, you can get down in the dirt and get your hands filthy. People can call you by your first name (even if it's wrong) and you don't mind. You also don't mind a challenge and you work harder than most because you're a scrapper.

Okay, so it's a metaphor, chief... no one's calling you a chick. The point is, you're either a guy who needs everything handed to him on a silver platter, and you're afraid and intimidated by ugly environments, or you're a guy who equates grime with progress and wants to surround himself with sweaty, smelly beasts merely for effect. If you're the latter, a gym is your haven-the grungier the better. If you're the former, then Bally's is calling your name and you can start spit-shining the chrome tomorrow! No judgments here, just the facts.

The Low Down... or is it the Down Low?

Let's face it, health clubs aren't exactly frou-frou anymore anyhow. Sure, someone actually vacuums the carpets (yeah, there's rug in there-plenty of it) and takes out the trash on a nightly basis, and there's probably a pretty little juice bar and a "lounge" area, as well as a hot counter girl checking your membership card... HOT COUNTER GIRL? Hey wait a second! That changes everything, doesn't it!?

Health clubs offer many more benefits than civilized female staff who look good in running tights and belly shirts. They offer state-of-the-art equipment because they cater to a more demanding clientele who pay the bigger bucks to join. These folks are the type to expect more for their dollar. Health clubs that are gigantic are also usually chain corporations. They can afford to order treadmills all day long... It's like you and I going out and buying new garden hoses at Wal-Mart. As long as that price-slashing bandit comes along and slashes that hose down to $14.95, it isn't that expensive! Well it's the same for these fancy-schmancy clubs, too.

I almost wish I described gyms first. But here goes... Gyms are split into two categories: -Modest places that are kept in good repair, are cleaned at least once a week and are well-equipped in terms of both free weights and machines -Dungeon-like basements that stink, are not well-lighted, are scantily equipped, and which offer sporadic, frightening, inhuman noises from various corners. They are often no bigger than your house

I'd like to say that I'd never step foot in one of the latter, but the truth is, I used to train in a dungeon like place and, at the time, I got a lot out of it, despite its ill-equipped, often dangerous surroundings. But liking a place such as that is really age and enthusiasm dependent. A lot of people (read: Young or those going through mid-life crisis) feel that suffering or training in a gym that is ugly, will make them more "hardcore". Hey, if we are what we think we are, then there may be some merit to that. But I'll take a happy medium. You, on the other hand, may be different. If you're young, dumb and full of... D-bol, you may have found nirvana.

The Price of Admission?

Health clubs cost more than gyms-that's pretty much a given. But what it all really boils down to are the amenities you receive for what you pay. Think of gyms as "no frills" motels, with ugly or non-existent artwork, no in-room movies, sheets that feel like sandpaper and an ugly lamp. Health clubs vary. They can be anything from a nice room at a local Hyatt with X-rated in-room flicks that don't show up by title on your bill, to the club floor suite of a Ritz-Carlton where you're assigned a butler for a week's stay and are hand fed chocolate covered strawberries, pillow-side. (More about Los Angeles and New York City later...)

Leviathan Chain Clubs

What can you expect to pay at either? Well, if you go to a large chain club, you can find really reasonable rates, primarily because the attrition rate at these places is so high and they make so much money off of members who never set foot in the door. Typically, you can get in for $30 a month and no joining fee, but that's only after you're willing to go to the mats with the high-pressure salesman in the closing booth!

Many of these lower fees per month will require a commitment of a year or two for the fee and it's always automatically withdrawn from your bank account by way of electronic funds transfer (EFT). If you don't have a checking account, they may offer a discount for a year paid up front. These are nice clubs that offer well maintained equipment, saunas, pools, steam rooms, Jacuzzis and a place to eat your lunch or get a protein shake. For the money, they're pretty reasonable.

Earmark: Tons of equipment, many classes and a crap-load of equipment (lines for all these), and opportunities to meet the masses-in droves! Bonus benefits? Piles of loud-colored carpeting, a plethora of too-peppy staff and plenty of chrome and neon, and you'll never be lonely again. Contracts rule here, unless you pay cash, and lines for equipment a mile long!

Upscale Pamper Palaces

If you go to an upscale club that has just one or two branches, expect to pay a LOT more per month and year. Remember I mentioned NYC or L.A.? Well, these are the types of clubs that exist in large cities. They are not a part of a chain and they offer super-amenities to guests. Massage and facials, hair and nail care, cafeterias with macrobiotic, organic, vegetarian and assorted other healthy fare, as well as specialty classes (usually at an additional fee, shockingly enough) as well as a staff of exceptionally well-heeled personal trainers.

The locker rooms look better than your bedroom and master bath and offer pampering services like one hour cleaning and pressing of shirts and pants, upscale childcare, and a host of other amenities. Many of these clubs even have valet parkers who will park your Hyundai for a fee. Ooops, better drive the Mercedes on gym day. Expect to pay a "joining fee" (nothing to do with membership, just to get your foot in the door and let people know you can pay it) as well as a hefty monthly or annual fee for membership. Expect to pay a few thousand per year.

Earmark: Trendiest classes, like Pilates, power Yoga, and cardio kickboxing. Lots of plush sitting areas, many doctors, lawyers and career folk milling about trying to find potential wives or boob-job clients, and snooty female staff that act like they make $300K a year when they probably only make about $30K. Expect a credit check and a background check. Some require a first-born child and a Lear jet.

Well-maintained gyms

You can likely pay by the month in these sorts of gyms, because they don't often require contracts. They know that most of the people who come to work out there are serious about getting into excellent shape and don't need a lot of frills in order to do it. Therefore, they can't ask the same as some of the bigger clubs. Hell, you don't even have to give these people your real name if you don't want to, provided you pay in cash.

You'll find minimal cardiovascular equipment (unlike the 40 steppers and 80 treadmills at Bally's), and lots of free weight equipment and machines that are not major brands. More often than not, there is a thoughtful, interesting collection of equipment in these places and it offers the best opportunity for both a serious environment and a great workout. Expect to pay about what you'd pay at Bally's, maybe a few dollars more, but with half the amenities and no commitment to remain there after a month.

Earmark: A no-frills experience that can sometimes be intimidating because there are a lot of seriously fit people in great shape. Worth the price of admission just to use the interesting array of equipment and get workout tips from people who actually know what they're doing. Oftentimes, they offer specialty classes that mainstream gyms cannot-like Jiu-Jitsu and Kickboxing. No contracts.

The Kill or Be Killed Gym

So the guy next to you looks like a tattooed white supremacist or an escapee from a local bike club or tattoo convention? Don't get scared, he's probably a nice guy, even though you've never actually heard him utter two discernable words. Truth is, many of these 'dungeons' are actually just grungy fronts for powerlifting clubs that get down and dirty with the basics.

This is a great place to go, occasionally, to really learn how to work out. There are no pansies in environments like the "kill or be killed," underground basement gym. If you're aspiring toward competitive bodybuilding, this experience is quintessential and an absolute requirement for cutting your teeth in the world of muscle.

Earmark: Definitely no-frills-(think: Youth Hostel in San Quentin)! Equipment that hardly works or is jury-rigged together with duct tape, yet guys who are big as houses. Answers to all workout queries about where to find equipment always end in: "Use those 45 pound plates in there".

Given the descriptions of the clubs and gyms, you should be well on your way to deciphering where you belong in the scheme of things. But what else can you expect in the way of lifestyle enhancement?

The FACTUAL benefits of joining a gym or health club ought to be obvious: Getting into overall better physical conditionImproving heart healthAvoiding bone lossFat lossIncreased agilityImproved flexibilityBody composition changesDisease preventionIncreased social contact with others interested in health and fitness These are all positive things, but they're not the things that truly drive us. If this were so, then no one would smoke cigarettes, no one would slam shots of Jager' with their buddies on a Friday night, and no one would have one night stands with sorority girls. But it isn't so. We are humans who are motivated by the damnedest things-none of which have anything to do with health and well-being. (That doesn't really set in until things begin falling apart after the age of 40). So the above list is merely a bonus to the list that is tucked away in every guy's pocket:

The REAL benefits of joining a gym or health club (but we rarely admit them): Finally getting rid of the love handles that your buddies pull on when they're drunkGetting a six pack of abs and believing that it's better than a six pack of HeinekenGetting laid because you look good with your shirt offFlexing naked in front of the mirror and wishing you could date you!Having bigger biceps than your buddyIncreasing stamina in the bedroom (Going from 3 minutes to 30!)Being able to recuperate from the shots of Jager fasterFeeling like the Alpha male in any group - confidence soars and so do social and business prospectsSurrounded by good bodies, heaving and sweating, and reminding you of sexSex with a fit chick is better than sex with a fat chick, and a gym is like hitting the jackpot in Sin City Now... back to those Hungry Man dinners and empty Haagen-Dazs containers... So what's it going to be tonight, chief, a date with the Jetsons, or a date with the gym receptionist?

About the Author: Dane Fletcher is the world's foremost training authority. He writes exclusively for GetAnabolics.com, a leading online provider of creatine and testosterone. For more information, please visit http://www.GetAnabolics.com.

About the Author

About the Author: Dane Fletcher is the world's foremost training authority. He writes exclusively for GetAnabolics.com, a leading online provider of Steroids and Bodybuilding Supplements. For more information, please visit http://www.GetAnabolics.com.